15 February 2014

Silver Glimmer

The moon is full and bright tonight. The silver light reflects beautifully off of the melting snow that glazes the highway.

Just but yesterday my heart felt the same. Hanging high, full, and bright. Except the light that shone from it was the light of love. Of being valued, being wanted. Of knowing that I had someone to share the brimming cup of my heart with.

Tonight as I drove home I couldn't help but feel the sad ache of contrast. So many things to say but no words to be said.

Months spent investing, building, hoping, and praying. Of inviting others and their prayers in, too. And all of a sudden, it's gone. Like smoke into the air. Everything. The shared vision, the penchant for adventure and spontaneity, the laughter, the funny early morning conversations laced with the intoxication of sleep, and most of all, gone is the joy and hope of a life together that we shared.

It's true that I don't understand. How could I? Part of me says, "If only there were more time." and another part of me says, "It could have never been even from the beginning."

It's been two years since the last time but it's happening again... I'm grieving. The odd thing is I don't know if I'm grieving more the loss of YOU or the loss of the hope, the dream, the potential. Somehow it is all bound up together, inseparable. You, it, us.

Either way, it hurts.

"It's happened again," I think. My heart so joyful and full, crushed, smashed under the foot of un-love, "un-attraction", unkindness, and difficult behavior. Can I cry out, "I don't deserve this!"?

I'm tired. Tired of picking up pieces. Over and over and over it seems. Please, God, make it stop. I want to forever turn my heart away from love so that I don't ever have to feel this piercing, self-shattering pain of rejection ever again.

Yet somewhere, deep down, I know this is not the answer. This is not life-to-the-fullest. This is not the path of Christ.

I'm broken, Lord. I've given this to you from the early moments of its conception, and now I'm giving it to you in its death.

Help me to grow. To be better and not bitter. To believe his heart is good inspite of his actions toward me. To believe in love. To believe I am worthy of it. Truly worthy of it. ...and you know what Lord, not just worthy of it, maybe that's not the problem. Help me to believe that love can find me and meet me where I am, as I am. I'm losing hope quickly. Hear me, O Lord, my spirit is fading.

My heart hurts. And I want to believe that it's not just "me" and my unsuitability as a partner, as a wife. Speak to my hurts Lord, heal my wounded heart.

I know you have a plan for me, O God. Grant me the eyes to see it, and the heart to be obedient. Help me to move forward. To find joy again. To cling on to hope, the forgotten virtue.

Tonight as I think about the moon's radiant reflection of the sun's light, grant unto me a sliver, a silver glimmer of hope that things are going to be okay and that I'm not hurling headlong into the abyss of nothingness and wasted life.

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