19 October 2012

Time Moves On

and life doesn't stop.

This past week has in many ways been a week from Hell. Every fiber of determination and will in my body has been stretched to the max it seems. These past 2.5 weeks have been a constant reminder that life is indeed an agona.. a struggle. If there has been an issue capable of arising, a fear that could possibly emerge, or a doubt that could cloud my thinking, it has probably shown up these last 2.5 weeks. Car starts having issues and the tank on empty? Sure. The real possibility that I may, at best, have to realign my academic schedule to the "3-year plan" instead of the "year and a half" plan, or at worst, leave school all together to go back to work full-time? You betchya. Or how about the realization that I could possibly fall in love only to be followed by the greater realization that I still struggle with the belief that I CAN be genuinely loved in return. Of course. And let's not even talk about Thursday night's exam that I studied all the wrong stuff for. Aiyiyi. There was that, too.

Yet somehow deep in my heart I have found glimmers of hope in the strangest of places this week. A dream that brought about the most beautifully-odd sense of peace, love, and security given from the encouragement and love of another. ...and from that, the reminder that it IS possible for me, someway somehow, to find that in this life. The interaction with a patient at the cancer center who reminded me what it is like to see light in the face of another, who simultaneously filled my presence with an undeniable sense of the personal chemistry that is possible between two human beings on a purely fellow-human level. And finally, a man receiving his first chemo treatment today who was accompanied by his wife. ..who, together, were celebrating their 49th anniversary on this very day. And who, rather than lamenting the various tubes connected to his arms and the current situation he is in, spoke excitedly of the 49 years they have spent together and the trip to San Juan they are leaving on next week.

Someway. Somehow. This life is good. Is a gift. I don't know what God's ultimate plan or place is for me but I believe that whatever or wherever it may be that it will be a gift. Maybe a painful gift, maybe a hard gift, or maybe a joyful, light gift, but a gift no less. May He help me to keep my heart soft that I may be able to see all things as a gift, come what may.

One day, one step, one struggle at a time. I understand not, but I move forward. By grace. and the smallest ounce of determination that may be left in me on some days.


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