02 September 2012

If I were attracted to you...

Why on God’s green earth do I feel like the sum-total of mylife’s accomplishments are reduced to the size of my calves and the extrapadding found around my lower mid-section? I mean, honestly, sometimes I amshocked by just how much I find this to be the case…
 
Honestly, I’m a good person. I’m loving and thoughtful,generally see the best in others (sometimes to a fault). I have a master’s degree.I’ve been to 5 of the 7 continents, traveled all over the US, and can run 2.5miles. I have felt pain, sorrow, heartache, and loss. Have known unconditionallove and joy. Happiness and hope. I love the Lord and am in church every week.I teach Sunday School and volunteer at the hospital on Fridays. I bake birthdaytreats for friends and make a mean lasagna. I was asked to co-author a book bya large organization. I’m generous and gracious. I love children and old peoplealike. Friends say I am loyal and trustworthy and that I will be a great wifeand mother. I’ve successfully lived on my own and I have a clean drivingrecord. I know what a day of mental exertion feels like and I am no stranger tothe exhaustion a day of physical labor brings. I’m a student of life yet am inschool again and will be a physician one day. I’m reasonably stylish, always domy hair, and have been called a true lady and quite classy.
 
All of these things and what am I left with? That my legsare bulky, my stomach isn’t flat, and I don’t drive a BMW. I know that. I seethose things every day. And somewhere deep down I know they don’t define me. Iknow that I am a beautiful person. I know that. Yet, I take 3 steps into theworld and I feel like I am reduced to a nobody. I don’t know what is wrong withme. Or, what is wrong with the world. Why can’t other people see what I bringto the world? And why can’t they just look beyond my (non-skinny) shortcomingsand love me.. truly love me for me?
 
So much love in my heart to give and yet I sit here alone. Lord,I don’t understand.
 
He admitted that I am an amazing woman and terrific friend.And that if he was attracted to me we’d be married in no time. If he wasattracted to me. Apparently all of my good things are “amazing” and noticeable butnot nearly attractive enough. If only this were the first time I’ve receivedthis same sentiment. Beautiful spirits and full-lives and hearts gracious withlove aren’t nearly attractive enough. Well-rounded women who are respectful andrefined, trusting and non-cynical who tend to be the exception rather than therule aren’t cutting it. If only my legs were small, my thighs a little lessthick, and my mid-section perfectly flat… then, I might be attractive enough.Just maybe.

My thoughts for the day.

1 comment:

Suz said...

I am only sorry I didn't know about this conversation earlier. He doesn't deserve you and all of the gifts you have to offer. (Which, by the way, I am so glad you recognize in yourself!!) If he was the man you thought he was, he pretended to be, the size of your anything (except your heart and maybe your brain) wouldn't matter to him. I know it is hurtful. I don't at all mean to belittle that. I hope that you can see that what I say is true. Or that in time you will see it....

I love you, including all of your softer bits. And I think you are beautiful INSIDE AND OUTSIDE. And I do not say so just because we are friends. I thought so when I saw your photos online before we had become friends. Your inner beauty only enhances the outer. :)