07 August 2011

Feeling....

So conflicted right now.
Do I stay or do I go?
I've been in Europe for 2.5 months now.
I love it here.
More specifically, I love Greece.
I have been to some 18 or 19 countries over the last 9 years and never have I felt like I do about Greece.
I love it. So much I will scream it at the top of my lungs: I LOVE YOU, GREECE!
And though I risk sounding really cheesy, I have to say, I think I left a big chunk of my heart there when I left over a month ago now.

But now, on to today. I am in Germany. And I really like Germany a lot. Having spent some time here now, that sentiment is certainly confirmed. However, I have to admit. I want to come home. It doesn't make any sense to me as I have wanted to live in Germany for so stinking long it isn't even funny (I'm talking like for the last 10 years I have wanted to move here!)  And now, I find myself in a very unfortunate situation and I just want to be home. I know home has a lot of challenges of its own, admittedly, ones that I haven't been willing to face in the past, but now, I feel that I am at a place where I am at peace. and home is just where I need to be.

I've realized so much these last 3 months and part of that is that there is much to be said for having peace in one's heart and mind. And while it would in many ways be very painful to say good-bye to Germany (a dream I've held onto for almost a decade now) and to the family here who I am living with, I feel like that is what my gut is telling me to do. ...and more so, that for the first time in 8 years I have peace about the thought of truly going home.

Something else I have really begun to realize is that in the end, what does it matter what others think about us? ...as in how they judge us. I will admit that if I choose to come home that I am afraid you'll judge me as a "failure" for not sticking it out, not perfecting my German, not further culturing myself, etc. I'll even say that I'm afraid of my own self-judgment.... beating myself up for not staying with something that I've wanted in so many ways for so long. ...and perhaps this is the most troubling battle I'm fighting right now.
You know, for so long my life has been about making sure that I have ordered my life in such a way that others will only judge it positively (if such a thing actually exists at its core.) And you know what I've realized in reflecting on that? That when I (or we) do that, we end up living life for someone else and not for our self. ...which, means that we aren't living authentically. And to be very honest with you, I feel like I've felt I've had to prove a lot of things these last 10 years ---to prove some to others and to prove a lot to myself. And now, I'm coming to the place where I no longer feel that I have anything I need to prove. ...to anyone else and especially not to myself. I am coming to have peace with who and where I am (in the broad sense at least) and I am very grateful for the life I have been given even with all of it's ups and downs, challenges and joy. I have come and am continuing to come to the realization true and authentic life is about simplicity. It's about our faith (and our communal involvement therein), our love of the Trinity and the manifestation of that love in our lives as we love others. ...so it about living our faith and loving and being loved ourselves.It's really simple in the end.

So today, I struggle. Will I go home or will I stay. I'm not sure. But I know in the end that I seek to pursue that which is filled with peace and love.

Truly, Kyrie Eleison +



1 comment:

Theologian said...

Although older than you, I am still learning these lessons myself.

-A Theologian Friend