I am now beginning to come to terms with the fact that the only contentment 99.9% of the corporate world can bring to me is monetary in nature...and that even that is not worth selling my soul to 13-hour days
How is it we start out having ambitious visions of changing the world and then come to settle in the humdrum of the corporate 9-5?
To be fair, I always pictured myself 'climbing the ladder' and loving it. It's still in me.. all those characteristics that urge me on to the top. Even those there now have commented that they see it in me too. ...Only now that I am out there doing it do I realize that I don't really want to be. My soul needs something more than a BMW with a navigation system and a 2-hour commute.
It's true that I am in the process of figuring out just who it is I really am. Am I country or urban? Corporate or non-profit? Truthfully, at this moment, I am working from my own imperfect knowledge of the world and I can't even begin to say I have the ultimate answer. Is it even something I will ever truly figure out in its entirety? I'm not sure.
What I can say is that I know I have become complacent and have reduced my once grand visions of "making a difference" to the mediocre acceptance of the "I have bills to pay so there's nothing else I can do" mentality. I refuse to be lured into the mental stagnation of a blasé corporate life. (That is, blasé outside the realms of the temporary excitement monetary success can bring.) I will return to those visions of using my life for a purpose greater than simply working for the man. There is nothing wrong in working for the man 9-5; it's just not for me. Not this anyway. At least not now.
My family has always had the entrepreneurial spirit and I thought I was the only odd one who didn't catch it. Well, little did I know that it's been there all along. ...only guised slightly different.
Life is difficult. It's true. But at the same time, we're each only given one to live. I refuse to let so-called 'life' rob my life of joy. My only prayer tonight is that God will grant me grace in learning to live simply so that I may live a life that allows me to embrace the visions far more grand than the corporate ladder will ever be able to fulfill.
As my brother says, I've been suffering from analysis paralysis. It's true that I have bills and student debt. They're both going to be there for a long, long time, I'm sure. While I obviously recognize the importance of the financial side of life, I want to work to live, not live to work. I don't want the thought of bills to paralyze me from truly living.
I end with the ancient church prayer given by Sarapion of Thmuis that has come to have yet another application in my life:
"Lord, we entreat you, make us truly alive."