I'm Still Here...

Life is a funny thing sometimes.

You just never really know how it is going to go. Even the best-laid plans slip right through our hands.

Many things have changed.

I am back in America.

At home.

Trying to figure out life a little bit more.

One day at a time.

I'm grateful for each new day of life I have been given.

Thankful for where I have been, learning to appreciate where I am at, and remaining hopeful about where I might go from here. Siga-siga.

Those of you have have written me, especially Ms. ML, thank you. I think of you all often and I promise I will be getting back to you before long.

Wishing you blessings and gratitude.

Feeling....

So conflicted right now.
Do I stay or do I go?
I've been in Europe for 2.5 months now.
I love it here.
More specifically, I love Greece.
I have been to some 18 or 19 countries over the last 9 years and never have I felt like I do about Greece.
I love it. So much I will scream it at the top of my lungs: I LOVE YOU, GREECE!
And though I risk sounding really cheesy, I have to say, I think I left a big chunk of my heart there when I left over a month ago now.

But now, on to today. I am in Germany. And I really like Germany a lot. Having spent some time here now, that sentiment is certainly confirmed. However, I have to admit. I want to come home. It doesn't make any sense to me as I have wanted to live in Germany for so stinking long it isn't even funny (I'm talking like for the last 10 years I have wanted to move here!)  And now, I find myself in a very unfortunate situation and I just want to be home. I know home has a lot of challenges of its own, admittedly, ones that I haven't been willing to face in the past, but now, I feel that I am at a place where I am at peace. and home is just where I need to be.

I've realized so much these last 3 months and part of that is that there is much to be said for having peace in one's heart and mind. And while it would in many ways be very painful to say good-bye to Germany (a dream I've held onto for almost a decade now) and to the family here who I am living with, I feel like that is what my gut is telling me to do. ...and more so, that for the first time in 8 years I have peace about the thought of truly going home.

Something else I have really begun to realize is that in the end, what does it matter what others think about us? ...as in how they judge us. I will admit that if I choose to come home that I am afraid you'll judge me as a "failure" for not sticking it out, not perfecting my German, not further culturing myself, etc. I'll even say that I'm afraid of my own self-judgment.... beating myself up for not staying with something that I've wanted in so many ways for so long. ...and perhaps this is the most troubling battle I'm fighting right now.
You know, for so long my life has been about making sure that I have ordered my life in such a way that others will only judge it positively (if such a thing actually exists at its core.) And you know what I've realized in reflecting on that? That when I (or we) do that, we end up living life for someone else and not for our self. ...which, means that we aren't living authentically. And to be very honest with you, I feel like I've felt I've had to prove a lot of things these last 10 years ---to prove some to others and to prove a lot to myself. And now, I'm coming to the place where I no longer feel that I have anything I need to prove. ...to anyone else and especially not to myself. I am coming to have peace with who and where I am (in the broad sense at least) and I am very grateful for the life I have been given even with all of it's ups and downs, challenges and joy. I have come and am continuing to come to the realization true and authentic life is about simplicity. It's about our faith (and our communal involvement therein), our love of the Trinity and the manifestation of that love in our lives as we love others. ...so it about living our faith and loving and being loved ourselves.It's really simple in the end.

So today, I struggle. Will I go home or will I stay. I'm not sure. But I know in the end that I seek to pursue that which is filled with peace and love.

Truly, Kyrie Eleison +

And I'm here!

After the most amazing 6 weeks in Greece and Constantinople and 2 weeks in South France, I finally arrived in Germany a little over a week ago. I forgot how much I like being here.

I flew into Dusseldorf and was blessed to spend the weekend with dear friends in Kamen before coming here, to Wiesbaden.

Spending time with the S's in Kamen/Dortmond was the perfect welcome I needed after feeling trapped in France. I was reminded of what it feel like to be loved and was shown more philoxenia than I've seen in a long time. I was and continue to be blessed by that family's presence in my life. Glory to God!

So here I am now, back in the working saddle. And while I love Germany and would really love to be here for some time, I find myself missing home and familiar loving community. As I wrote to a friend yesterday, for the first time in 3 years I am again experiencing loneliness and spiritual isolation. Of course I've gone to the church here already but it's a new community and a whole slew of new faces who speak languages I only baby-talk in.

God-willing, everything will come together in the next couple of weeks. Hopefully I can make at least one new friend who I can do things with (Lord, please help me here, I'm just asking for one!) and then hopefully I'll figure out my teaching schedule and get a system down for that. I think those things will help a lot. I'm praying that does the trick at least. Otherwise, I think I want to be a student again. It's much easier and I'm good at it. ...what was that again you said I could get my PhD in?? :) No, seriously!

Know I am thinking of all of you and sending you my love from this side of the Atlantic.

Here are a few pictures I've taken recently that you might like to see:

 

The massive cathedral in Cologne (Koln) which Petro, Natalia, and I climb to the top of.. some 500+ steps later we made it to the top. If only I had pictures of the spiral steps we had to take the whole way up - yikes!

 

 Here is my new abode. I'll try to get a better picture soon.

 

 This is for my brother Doug! 

Little did he know, he has his own cosmetic store similiar to our Sephora or Ulta!

T-Minus 2 Days

Until I am in Germany.

I can't wait to leave France. Blah. It's been a kinda crappy experience (although my pictures on Facebook might paint a different story ...it is beautiful here even if my experience has been bad.)

Flying to Dusseldorf on Friday afternoon. Hanging with George's brother and parents this weekend. I'm super excited to see Petro again! Then back to work on Sunday night in Wiesbaden.

Not even there yet and beginning to think about life post-Germany. Running through ideas surrounding a business plan I have. Never to early to start planning, right?

I don't have peace right now. I want to go to Church. I haven't been able to go in several weeks and its getting to me. Missing a few creature comforts too. This, too, shall pass I keep telling myself.

more to come from Germany.
(and Germany, if you're listening, I would appreciate a big loving embrace from you once I touchdown on Friday afternoon. I'm going to need it. and I know my language skills aren't stellar, but at least I have some. Gentle.. please, be gentle with my English-dominated American self. And Germany, if you don't mind, please take it easy on the Dollar-to-Euro exchange rate. I would really love to be able to buy something but when I calculate that a 3.30 Euro bottle of Orangina is really $4.69 I cringe and freeze up inside. Please, just a little easier on it any day now would be great. Okay, that's all for now. Thanks.)

An Almost Haiku Post

In France now. La Croix-Valmer to be exact. I don't so much care for French... well, French anything really. But here I am for 10 more days.
Then off to Germany where I will hopefully finally get to unpack my luggage. (and plug-in my amazing Turkish lamps I purchased in the bazarre in Istanbul.)
I miss Greece so much it's not even funny. And my friends there even more than that.
I can't believe it is July 12 already.
I wish I could spend the summer with my mom and dad in the midwest, but I am grateful for where I am right now.
I think I'll be fluent in German by next summer. Although, I don't think I can take a course as I had hoped to as they are all 500+ Euros.
I think while I'm in Europe I am going to collect things for the kitchen. Seems like a very practical thing to do. cookie cutters, pans, dish towles, ya know.
Also, I think when I come back to America, that I am going to start a bakery.
Yes, you read it right, a bakery.
Okay, must go to sleep now.
Blessings to each of you!

Greece Votes and Turkey Tomorrow

Well, here we are. Things are going better here, thankfully. I have had a bit of alone time (just a bit) and it has done me well. I currently find myself in Kavala and I will be leaving for Alexandroupoli in about 20-30 minutes. Then, first thing tomorrow, we head to Turkish border --hopefully, making it across the border without any problems.


Starting last Friday I spent 2 nights in one of the famous monasteries at Meteora. (At St. Barbara!) It was a unique and very special opportunity. Orthodox faithful are rarely able to stay in the Meteora monasteries and by the Grace of God, the intercessions of St. Barbara, and dear friend Nektarios Antiniou my roommate, Angeliki, and I were able to spend time with the sweet sweet nuns there.

I promise that I will post my own pictures soon, but in the mean time, here is a general stock photo of St. Barbara.

 

I have to head to the bus right now, but I promise to check in again soon. Also, more on what I've been watching on YoutTube as well. 

Blessings until next time. 

PS.. for those of you who reached out to me following my last post, thank you. You don't know how much your notes and messages of encouragement meant to me. I am so incredibly grateful!