The beginning of my family's tale...

Having been born in 1937 in Egypt Grove, Missouri, it was now 1951 and he set off for Fort Smith, Arkansas. It was there that my great uncle Walt had a little produce operation --selling and trading animal pelts, pecans, and extra vegetables from the garden in the summer months. In his own words, he worked his "little tail off" during those years. Some days it was salting the animal skins, other days it was cracking nuts or picking vegetables. It wasn't much, but he had a place there. He was safe and well-fed. Great uncle Walt and great aunt Micky bought his clothes for him and gave him $5 a week. "If I wanted a candy bar I could get a candy bar," he recalls. No doubt that was a wonderful freedom for a country boy from rural southern Missouri.

Let there be no bones about it, however, that candy bar came at a much greater cost than the price sticker in the store on Main Street would ever disclose. Being the oldest of 6 children and needing to earn his own keep, this man, my father, would walk away not only from the family and land that he had known those first fourteen years of his life, but also from the chance at an education that would equip him to take on bigger and more robust challenges in the future. When my dad left for Fort Smith that summer morning, he took with him a knowledge of numbers and basic math that would carry him through his adult life, but sadly, he also took illiteracy along with him as well. The truth is, most people today take it completely for granted that they're able to read. ...not just the ability to read books for pleasure, but the ability to read a newspaper, questions on medical forms, and even notes and comments that are sent along with bills. Before I was even old enough to drive a car or sign my own checks, I remember reading things for and making out checks on my dad's behalf. Of course he would always sign them, but still to this day, I or another family friend have to write his bills out for him. Because of the fact that my entire life my father has been illiterate, there are very few things I have that I cherish more than the handful of notes I have handwritten from him. One says, "I love you" while amongst the others is one that says he "went to the store and will be back soon." Sure, they're misspelled and the handwriting is barely better than that of a second grader, but they are precious, oh so precious, notes I have held onto from him.

To be continued....

Time Moves On

and life doesn't stop.

This past week has in many ways been a week from Hell. Every fiber of determination and will in my body has been stretched to the max it seems. These past 2.5 weeks have been a constant reminder that life is indeed an agona.. a struggle. If there has been an issue capable of arising, a fear that could possibly emerge, or a doubt that could cloud my thinking, it has probably shown up these last 2.5 weeks. Car starts having issues and the tank on empty? Sure. The real possibility that I may, at best, have to realign my academic schedule to the "3-year plan" instead of the "year and a half" plan, or at worst, leave school all together to go back to work full-time? You betchya. Or how about the realization that I could possibly fall in love only to be followed by the greater realization that I still struggle with the belief that I CAN be genuinely loved in return. Of course. And let's not even talk about Thursday night's exam that I studied all the wrong stuff for. Aiyiyi. There was that, too.

Yet somehow deep in my heart I have found glimmers of hope in the strangest of places this week. A dream that brought about the most beautifully-odd sense of peace, love, and security given from the encouragement and love of another. ...and from that, the reminder that it IS possible for me, someway somehow, to find that in this life. The interaction with a patient at the cancer center who reminded me what it is like to see light in the face of another, who simultaneously filled my presence with an undeniable sense of the personal chemistry that is possible between two human beings on a purely fellow-human level. And finally, a man receiving his first chemo treatment today who was accompanied by his wife. ..who, together, were celebrating their 49th anniversary on this very day. And who, rather than lamenting the various tubes connected to his arms and the current situation he is in, spoke excitedly of the 49 years they have spent together and the trip to San Juan they are leaving on next week.

Someway. Somehow. This life is good. Is a gift. I don't know what God's ultimate plan or place is for me but I believe that whatever or wherever it may be that it will be a gift. Maybe a painful gift, maybe a hard gift, or maybe a joyful, light gift, but a gift no less. May He help me to keep my heart soft that I may be able to see all things as a gift, come what may.

One day, one step, one struggle at a time. I understand not, but I move forward. By grace. and the smallest ounce of determination that may be left in me on some days.

Siga-siga. 

PS...

Thinking about yesterday's emotions, the issue wasn't that "HE" said it but just that a "he" said it. The source is irrelevant to a large extent. It was the very principle. And truth be told, I'm still processing my mental and emotional response to it all.

Kyrie eleison.
 

If I were attracted to you...

Why on God’s green earth do I feel like the sum-total of mylife’s accomplishments are reduced to the size of my calves and the extrapadding found around my lower mid-section? I mean, honestly, sometimes I amshocked by just how much I find this to be the case…
 
Honestly, I’m a good person. I’m loving and thoughtful,generally see the best in others (sometimes to a fault). I have a master’s degree.I’ve been to 5 of the 7 continents, traveled all over the US, and can run 2.5miles. I have felt pain, sorrow, heartache, and loss. Have known unconditionallove and joy. Happiness and hope. I love the Lord and am in church every week.I teach Sunday School and volunteer at the hospital on Fridays. I bake birthdaytreats for friends and make a mean lasagna. I was asked to co-author a book bya large organization. I’m generous and gracious. I love children and old peoplealike. Friends say I am loyal and trustworthy and that I will be a great wifeand mother. I’ve successfully lived on my own and I have a clean drivingrecord. I know what a day of mental exertion feels like and I am no stranger tothe exhaustion a day of physical labor brings. I’m a student of life yet am inschool again and will be a physician one day. I’m reasonably stylish, always domy hair, and have been called a true lady and quite classy.
 
All of these things and what am I left with? That my legsare bulky, my stomach isn’t flat, and I don’t drive a BMW. I know that. I seethose things every day. And somewhere deep down I know they don’t define me. Iknow that I am a beautiful person. I know that. Yet, I take 3 steps into theworld and I feel like I am reduced to a nobody. I don’t know what is wrong withme. Or, what is wrong with the world. Why can’t other people see what I bringto the world? And why can’t they just look beyond my (non-skinny) shortcomingsand love me.. truly love me for me?
 
So much love in my heart to give and yet I sit here alone. Lord,I don’t understand.
 
He admitted that I am an amazing woman and terrific friend.And that if he was attracted to me we’d be married in no time. If he wasattracted to me. Apparently all of my good things are “amazing” and noticeable butnot nearly attractive enough. If only this were the first time I’ve receivedthis same sentiment. Beautiful spirits and full-lives and hearts gracious withlove aren’t nearly attractive enough. Well-rounded women who are respectful andrefined, trusting and non-cynical who tend to be the exception rather than therule aren’t cutting it. If only my legs were small, my thighs a little lessthick, and my mid-section perfectly flat… then, I might be attractive enough.Just maybe.

My thoughts for the day.

Life is a Veritable Changing Thing

I live in KC now. In approximatly 9 months from today I will submit my application to medical school programs. In the mean time, I'll be preparing for the MCAT and updating my science courses from undergrad. God willing, in January 2014 (at UMKC Med) or August 2014 (KU Med) I'll embark on one of the hardest, most rewarding chapters of my life.  Through it all, this dream has remaind a constant. And by God's grace, I've been given a rare second chance to attain it. To Him be the glory. ...and may it be for my salvation, the comfort of my family, and the betterment of the Church and our world.

Born to Fly

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?”
― Rumi
Feeling like this expesses perfectly where I am at at this moment. Given so many gifts, holding talent and potential, so much to offer, a heart inclined to serve, so much love to give. ...and yet, here I am, crawling through the mud. Liteally in. the. mud. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Lord, all I've wanted is to fly for Your glory.. to use all that you have given me, my very life, to glorify you and here I am. Feeling so useless and ineffective. And dying a mental, emotional, and spiriual death more and more every day. Please, Lord, help me to know what I am called for. Why you've given me all that you have. Why I am in this place. I want to fly. and to shine with Your radince as a reflection of Your love, Your compassion, Your peace in a world who so desperately longs for Your light and love.