15 February 2014

Silver Glimmer

The moon is full and bright tonight. The silver light reflects beautifully off of the melting snow that glazes the highway.

Just but yesterday my heart felt the same. Hanging high, full, and bright. Except the light that shone from it was the light of love. Of being valued, being wanted. Of knowing that I had someone to share the brimming cup of my heart with.

Tonight as I drove home I couldn't help but feel the sad ache of contrast. So many things to say but no words to be said.

Months spent investing, building, hoping, and praying. Of inviting others and their prayers in, too. And all of a sudden, it's gone. Like smoke into the air. Everything. The shared vision, the penchant for adventure and spontaneity, the laughter, the funny early morning conversations laced with the intoxication of sleep, and most of all, gone is the joy and hope of a life together that we shared.

It's true that I don't understand. How could I? Part of me says, "If only there were more time." and another part of me says, "It could have never been even from the beginning."

It's been two years since the last time but it's happening again... I'm grieving. The odd thing is I don't know if I'm grieving more the loss of YOU or the loss of the hope, the dream, the potential. Somehow it is all bound up together, inseparable. You, it, us.

Either way, it hurts.

"It's happened again," I think. My heart so joyful and full, crushed, smashed under the foot of un-love, "un-attraction", unkindness, and difficult behavior. Can I cry out, "I don't deserve this!"?

I'm tired. Tired of picking up pieces. Over and over and over it seems. Please, God, make it stop. I want to forever turn my heart away from love so that I don't ever have to feel this piercing, self-shattering pain of rejection ever again.

Yet somewhere, deep down, I know this is not the answer. This is not life-to-the-fullest. This is not the path of Christ.

I'm broken, Lord. I've given this to you from the early moments of its conception, and now I'm giving it to you in its death.

Help me to grow. To be better and not bitter. To believe his heart is good inspite of his actions toward me. To believe in love. To believe I am worthy of it. Truly worthy of it. ...and you know what Lord, not just worthy of it, maybe that's not the problem. Help me to believe that love can find me and meet me where I am, as I am. I'm losing hope quickly. Hear me, O Lord, my spirit is fading.

My heart hurts. And I want to believe that it's not just "me" and my unsuitability as a partner, as a wife. Speak to my hurts Lord, heal my wounded heart.

I know you have a plan for me, O God. Grant me the eyes to see it, and the heart to be obedient. Help me to move forward. To find joy again. To cling on to hope, the forgotten virtue.

Tonight as I think about the moon's radiant reflection of the sun's light, grant unto me a sliver, a silver glimmer of hope that things are going to be okay and that I'm not hurling headlong into the abyss of nothingness and wasted life.




08 July 2013

So many thoughts, so much to share...

But I'll start here...

Tonight a friend from college had this to share on the day of her 1st Anniversary. It's remarkable. And beautiful. And life-giving. ..on so many levels and in so many ways. 

Thank you, O, for your beautifully written words and, more importantly, for the beautiful heart that they radiate from. 

"One year ago, today, July 7th, we were wed under a giant walnut tree, just as I had dreamt years before. See that big grin? I get those all the time now, thanks to him. There is something about true love that completes you, and you don't have to earn it; it's the greatest gift I've ever received. I married the kindest, bravest, most sincere and authentic man I've ever met. When I see how he is with people, I see true kindness and true grace, to the point where I'm converted. He makes me laugh, and he makes me sing, and I have never felt so safe.. I've never, ever felt like this before: that this is all for us, this is our time, and shared love is as close to the Divine as we can get. Thank You. And thank you to all who fill our lives with support, affirmation, true friendship, and more kindness. We're in this together."

Could it be put any more wonderfully? I think not. 

21 December 2012

The beginning of my family's tale...

Having been born in 1937 in Egypt Grove, Missouri, it was now 1951 and he set off for Fort Smith, Arkansas. It was there that my great uncle Walt had a little produce operation --selling and trading animal pelts, pecans, and extra vegetables from the garden in the summer months. In his own words, he worked his "little tail off" during those years. Some days it was salting the animal skins, other days it was cracking nuts or picking vegetables. It wasn't much, but he had a place there. He was safe and well-fed. Great uncle Walt and great aunt Micky bought his clothes for him and gave him $5 a week. "If I wanted a candy bar I could get a candy bar," he recalls. No doubt that was a wonderful freedom for a country boy from rural southern Missouri.

Let there be no bones about it, however, that candy bar came at a much greater cost than the price sticker in the store on Main Street would ever disclose. Being the oldest of 6 children and needing to earn his own keep, this man, my father, would walk away not only from the family and land that he had known those first fourteen years of his life, but also from the chance at an education that would equip him to take on bigger and more robust challenges in the future. When my dad left for Fort Smith that summer morning, he took with him a knowledge of numbers and basic math that would carry him through his adult life, but sadly, he also took illiteracy along with him as well. The truth is, most people today take it completely for granted that they're able to read. ...not just the ability to read books for pleasure, but the ability to read a newspaper, questions on medical forms, and even notes and comments that are sent along with bills. Before I was even old enough to drive a car or sign my own checks, I remember reading things for and making out checks on my dad's behalf. Of course he would always sign them, but still to this day, I or another family friend have to write his bills out for him. Because of the fact that my entire life my father has been illiterate, there are very few things I have that I cherish more than the handful of notes I have handwritten from him. One says, "I love you" while amongst the others is one that says he "went to the store and will be back soon." Sure, they're misspelled and the handwriting is barely better than that of a second grader, but they are precious, oh so precious, notes I have held onto from him.

To be continued....

19 October 2012

Time Moves On

and life doesn't stop.

This past week has in many ways been a week from Hell. Every fiber of determination and will in my body has been stretched to the max it seems. These past 2.5 weeks have been a constant reminder that life is indeed an agona.. a struggle. If there has been an issue capable of arising, a fear that could possibly emerge, or a doubt that could cloud my thinking, it has probably shown up these last 2.5 weeks. Car starts having issues and the tank on empty? Sure. The real possibility that I may, at best, have to realign my academic schedule to the "3-year plan" instead of the "year and a half" plan, or at worst, leave school all together to go back to work full-time? You betchya. Or how about the realization that I could possibly fall in love only to be followed by the greater realization that I still struggle with the belief that I CAN be genuinely loved in return. Of course. And let's not even talk about Thursday night's exam that I studied all the wrong stuff for. Aiyiyi. There was that, too.

Yet somehow deep in my heart I have found glimmers of hope in the strangest of places this week. A dream that brought about the most beautifully-odd sense of peace, love, and security given from the encouragement and love of another. ...and from that, the reminder that it IS possible for me, someway somehow, to find that in this life. The interaction with a patient at the cancer center who reminded me what it is like to see light in the face of another, who simultaneously filled my presence with an undeniable sense of the personal chemistry that is possible between two human beings on a purely fellow-human level. And finally, a man receiving his first chemo treatment today who was accompanied by his wife. ..who, together, were celebrating their 49th anniversary on this very day. And who, rather than lamenting the various tubes connected to his arms and the current situation he is in, spoke excitedly of the 49 years they have spent together and the trip to San Juan they are leaving on next week.

Someway. Somehow. This life is good. Is a gift. I don't know what God's ultimate plan or place is for me but I believe that whatever or wherever it may be that it will be a gift. Maybe a painful gift, maybe a hard gift, or maybe a joyful, light gift, but a gift no less. May He help me to keep my heart soft that I may be able to see all things as a gift, come what may.

One day, one step, one struggle at a time. I understand not, but I move forward. By grace. and the smallest ounce of determination that may be left in me on some days.

Siga-siga. 

03 September 2012

PS...

Thinking about yesterday's emotions, the issue wasn't that "HE" said it but just that a "he" said it. The source is irrelevant to a large extent. It was the very principle. And truth be told, I'm still processing my mental and emotional response to it all.

Kyrie eleison.
 

02 September 2012

If I were attracted to you...

Why on God’s green earth do I feel like the sum-total of mylife’s accomplishments are reduced to the size of my calves and the extrapadding found around my lower mid-section? I mean, honestly, sometimes I amshocked by just how much I find this to be the case…
 
Honestly, I’m a good person. I’m loving and thoughtful,generally see the best in others (sometimes to a fault). I have a master’s degree.I’ve been to 5 of the 7 continents, traveled all over the US, and can run 2.5miles. I have felt pain, sorrow, heartache, and loss. Have known unconditionallove and joy. Happiness and hope. I love the Lord and am in church every week.I teach Sunday School and volunteer at the hospital on Fridays. I bake birthdaytreats for friends and make a mean lasagna. I was asked to co-author a book bya large organization. I’m generous and gracious. I love children and old peoplealike. Friends say I am loyal and trustworthy and that I will be a great wifeand mother. I’ve successfully lived on my own and I have a clean drivingrecord. I know what a day of mental exertion feels like and I am no stranger tothe exhaustion a day of physical labor brings. I’m a student of life yet am inschool again and will be a physician one day. I’m reasonably stylish, always domy hair, and have been called a true lady and quite classy.
 
All of these things and what am I left with? That my legsare bulky, my stomach isn’t flat, and I don’t drive a BMW. I know that. I seethose things every day. And somewhere deep down I know they don’t define me. Iknow that I am a beautiful person. I know that. Yet, I take 3 steps into theworld and I feel like I am reduced to a nobody. I don’t know what is wrong withme. Or, what is wrong with the world. Why can’t other people see what I bringto the world? And why can’t they just look beyond my (non-skinny) shortcomingsand love me.. truly love me for me?
 
So much love in my heart to give and yet I sit here alone. Lord,I don’t understand.
 
He admitted that I am an amazing woman and terrific friend.And that if he was attracted to me we’d be married in no time. If he wasattracted to me. Apparently all of my good things are “amazing” and noticeable butnot nearly attractive enough. If only this were the first time I’ve receivedthis same sentiment. Beautiful spirits and full-lives and hearts gracious withlove aren’t nearly attractive enough. Well-rounded women who are respectful andrefined, trusting and non-cynical who tend to be the exception rather than therule aren’t cutting it. If only my legs were small, my thighs a little lessthick, and my mid-section perfectly flat… then, I might be attractive enough.Just maybe.

My thoughts for the day.